It's the same thing
It's the same thing
Again and again with you
Different name
Different story that's really the
same story
again and again and again
Why do I put up with this
Sh*t from you
Why do I wanna be the good guy?
Why do I wanna be the good guy
Everywhere I go
Why do I wanna be the good guy
Again and again and again
Again and again and again
You see me like some kind of meal you wanna eat
but not in a sexual way
You see me like prey
You see me like a game you can play
with your mind
You're in love with your use of time
In your mind
Your way of reinventing every line
I would know cause I do it too
But you are a special breed of
You're a special breed of F*ing with other people
Yea you
This is about exactly you
If you don't know who you are
Just take a look in the mirror
If you don't know who you are
And what you've done
What you've been
It's in your skin
and I see it in mine
Though mine is ounces and yours is pounds
and yours is the world
and it keeps compounding
like worlds compound and collide
and you don't care
you take it in stride
with your
with your attitude
and that look on your face
that says I'm better than you
that says I'm messing with you
I'm not a bully you just take me too literally
What does that F*ing mean?
What does that F*ing mean
That doesn't mean anything
You are a waste of space
You are a waste of space
I don't believe that but it felt good to say
You're a waste of space
All that use of a brain
that makes people insane
and loses decades of their lives
It's not just me
it's all these victims
losing decades of their lives
and wasting time with these wastes of space
these people who want to waste your time
They don't care
They don't care that they're wasting your time
Wasting your time
Cause you aren't convenient anymore
they'll just let you rot on the floor
they'll throw your head on the floor
they'll crouch down on the floor
they'll yell in your ear some more
they'll yell in your face some more
You tell em I'm having a F*in panic attack right now
and they're like hey shut up listen do what I say
listen to me you're crazy just listen to me listen to what I need
shut up with your panic attack I don't care
shut up with your everything
I don't care
cause I'm the star here
I'm the star
It's all about me
It's all about me
I don't care
I don't care what you need
It's all about me
It's all about me
I don't care
I don't care what you need
I don't care if I'm bothering you
I don't care if I'm dumping my problems on you
I don't care
I don't care what you need
I don't care what you need
You can lay there and bleed
I don't care
I don't care
But wait I need you
Hey forgive me
hey I need you
You know what ?
You don't need me
You just want a clean conscience
and you want my forgiveness
What if I don't give it to you?
What if I don't give it to you?
What if I don't give it to you?
What if I don't give you anything you think you need
anything you think you need
What if I don't give it to you?
What if I don't give it to you?
What would you do
What would you do
What would you F*in do?
I dunno
Would you threaten something?
Something at me?
Or more likely something at yourself
If I leave
If I leave
If I get away
Go away
Go away
What will you do?
What will you do?
Oh my God tell me that you're suicidal one more F*in time** (see below) and then three years later tell me that well no I was just cutting
I know you're in pain
I don't want to minimize your pain
But you sure as F*ck
You sure as F*ck
You sure as F*ck minimized mine
Every night at 4am
When I lay there asleep in our bed
and you were like hey
hey
Hey
HEY!
Wake up
Wake up!
Then you'd shove me and I was like OH no he doesn't hit me
he's not physically abusive it's just like he's verbally
well he's manipulative and yea it's not physical
it's not physical abuse as he stood over me towering over me
in that pink room towering over me til I fell on the floor
I called my friends at two a.m. asked them to come over
cause I was scared I had to learn how to
not care about my own life
I had to learn how to not care
if I lived or died
I had to learn
how to not value my own life
my own skin
my own heart
my own feelings
I had to learn how to
not value any of that
to be the good guy
to be the good guy
Cause I got to be the good guy
in this story
and it feels really good
I got to be the good guy in this story
and it feels really
GREAT!
It feels really great to be the one who's helping out
To be the one who's seeing everything from their perspective
and going to Al-anon and helping out
It really feels good
It honestly feels good
I know I sound sarcastic right now
but it really feels good
it really feels good
to be the good guy.
The reason for my sarcasm is because
I'm having a very hard time taking myself seriously
stating out loud the things that I really lived by
for nine years
Did I really throw away 9 years
for one idea?
and it's a flawed idea cause no one likes the good guys
Unless you're Robin Hood
They do like Robin Hood
but he was really really really really really really really really good
I don't wanna be THAT good.
I just wanna be comfortable good
I wanna sit around being comfortable good
I wanna write songs write plays write things write people
write write write and be alone
Make up songs and be alone
That's a kinda good that's actually
kind of selfish
But I don't want to think about the kind of
selfishness inside of that kind of good
Cause then I don't feel very good
I can't handle not feeling good
So if I need to feel good
then the way to feel good
is to be around people
who aren't good
And if I'm around people who are 'good at heart'
but really really really really terrible people
helps me feel good at heart
and less of a terrible person
less selfish
less
all about me
less all about me
cause at least my 'all about me' wants to be nice
and doesn't want to throw your head into the ground^
Doesn't want to beat you down
Doesn't wanna beat you down
I don't wanna beat you down
I don't wanna beat you down
I just wanna be alone
I just wanna be alone
I wanna get away from you
Get away from you
Get away from all the yous
that wanna tell me who to be
Get away from all of you
All of you who tell me I should be
totally different than I am
I wanna get away from you
I wanna get away from you
I wanna get far away from you
And I've always wanted to get away from you
Every time you hurried me up
Every time you told me to be
something different
Every time
Every time
Every time
I couldn't be something different
and you didn't care
you were like
hurry up with your chores
hurry up with this or that
I don't wanna list things
it's not really something I'm mad about anymore
I understand it's kinda just
How things are
But as I got older I learned that I was kind of weird
and beaten down by
friends who were not around
and they told me I could just ya know
I was a sweet girl but they didn't wanna be my friend anymore
so ya know you just learn to be alone
you just learn to be alone
and then you find new friends and they betray you so then you just you're alone
you just
be alone
you just learn to be alone
learn to be alone
It's not that hard
It's not that bad
You just learn to be alone
But it hurts to be alone
cause it, it's hard and
it's bad
So maybe
maybe that's where all this came from
and then I woke up one day
with the wrong person
in the wrong house
who didn't understand
anything I'd planned
who didn't understand what I needed to be me
who just didn't care
so I woke up in another house
another house
again and again
and ya know
at least they understood
yea they didn't ya know.. they weren't good
to me
to themselves
to anyone really
but at least they understood
that I needed my space
I needed to be me
I had to get away
At least they understood
that I just needed...
(exhale)
(expressive piano solo to end)
(breathing, existing...)
The end.
<><><>
**note: threatening suicide is serious and something I do not take lightly or want to make light of - this situation was a specific control/manipulation tactic, consciously or not it had a very strong effect, as it was announced only when I made plans to leave (and stated as "IF you leave, I will kill myself" - followed years later by, in a surprised voice when called out about it: "I never was serious about it, I was just cutting"...also valid, as a sentiment separate from controlling others, but in this case I had stayed FOR that reason, so the manipulation - again conscious or not - worked, and because I TRULY did and do care about this person's life, but eventually just not enough to stay in abuse anymore (despite their pain being deeply justified, from having been abused themselves, more brutally than anything they ever did to me)).
If you or someone you love needs help or someone safe and neutral to talk to, without the through-line and accountability of a counselor (which was very hard for me during some of my hardest years), hotlines are LIFE-SAVERS. I used them for 2 years on and off. I am thriving now, despite how this song may sound (*I was triggered by a small incident recently, and all these big memories came flooding back).
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255 (also, eventually 988 will be the quick call number - like 911)
<><><>
^note: this second annotation is because my conscience tells me to tell you, that this stream-of-consciousness song covers multiple subjects (obviously) and all 'throw your head into the ground' references are not to any long-term partner that I loved, they're about a genuine waste of space sociopath named Chas, who I was with very briefly in college (9 months?), but he probably gave me permanent brain damage and more emotional trauma in those short months than the rest of the abusers combined. This song is the closest I'll get to taking him to court. xo Jess
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