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Tiny Traumas, adding up (out of body, in your skin) III - (a​.​k​.​a. 365 days vol 5)

by Jessica in The Rainbow

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yungimas
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yungimas please never stop making music Favorite track: Made of Ash.
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  • Full Digital Discography

    Get all 52 Jessica in The Rainbow releases available on Bandcamp and save 25%.

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Unicorn (or, S.A.D. #444), Grand Rapids (demos), Dreambird in Rainbowland (*4 kids*), decembersongs, Songwriting Club + Feelings, Tiny Traumas, adding up (out of body, in your skin) II, Fallen Star, hello america i mean united states, and 44 more. , and , .

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  • handmade one-of-a-kind Tiny Traumas, adding up disc
    Compact Disc (CD) + Digital Album

    hi, i make these by hand - for each person who orders one - but it's a sturdy cardboard case by Stumptown Printers, with cut and tape art and handwriting by me (Jessica). I hope you feel the love and care and time in each one :)

    Includes unlimited streaming of Tiny Traumas, adding up (out of body, in your skin) III - (a.k.a. 365 days vol 5) via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

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1.
MOVE 06:08
why do you wait for things to come true? when most of the time things do not come true so why don't you try a new point of view where you choose something to make things move like a paddle on a boat unless you are wanting to sit and float all your life like a person who's holding time for ransom or a rhyme and i'm finally learning from you i don't know if you even want me to all my life i've waited for things to come true. to be done to me and done for you to be made easy and simply like falling or floating like kaleidoscope's define and all of this puzzle i swear it lied and i'm not ready to decide i know i swear i keep telling you i will decide (why don't you make me decide? why don't rip this blindfold off of my eyes?)
2.
rabbit hole 03:55
Here in this room I feel this tomb closing in around me like a drug I didn't mean to take didn't mean to make this plan and sell my time to you But there's this notion that more is better and all these words you use that tell you this is true are wrapped your skin Why you're goin down this rabbit hole I don't know I don't know right now Why you want to see the bottom for yourself I don't know if you thought it through well enough But there's some great mistake we're all selling and I don't want to be a part of this right now but time sweeps you onward and I hope I'm strong enough to find my way out
3.
i am not what you want me to be to be to believe in me you need a sign like a clear sign from GOD on high a clear sign but i’m just a witness like you just a witness to all these dreams we have that are not coming true and i want you to save yourself don’t worry about me save yourself don’t worry about me i’ll be fine i am fine i’ll be fine i am fine i’m fine.
4.
waterbird 06:19
color and vision black and white too i feel you ripple like the ocean coming true all around us and it’s beautiful like springtime not knowing where it’s going to and you know i want to believe it like i believe in you but time ticks on and centuries roll out like made for TV movies i don’t have time or patience for and i could learn a score of things from you if i would put away my wings and fly downward and really listen to all the people around me but you made me a bird but you made me love flight and wings getting wet is a terrible sight
5.
Did you decide to be here? Did you decide to be rooted here? Against all odds Against your will Did you mistake this color for some kind of pot of gold at the end of some great rainbow in your mind? 'Cause all this time I've been looking for something to be more real than this moment here with you. Here with you You're here with me We see things differently and all the light in you is the light in me. Birds fly to you and they fly to me They scare away so easily and we both know we're just a tree that's rooted here. And we don't get to know why leaves are on our branches at all or why these birds want to fly away oh it makes me feel so small. What did I do to deserve your kindness? What did I do to make you leave? 'Cause all of the light is the same in me Sometimes it inspires but most times it just makes you blind.
6.
Lights like fire flowing in my veins Words like lightning bolts or bugs Endless flutter Won’t you let me be still Endless energy unused unsure of itself unsure of its health unsure of itself. Are you falling? Can you feel the ground beneath you? Are you calling for something new? Are you wanting me to just be still or are you waiting for me to pick up the reins and go into the world? And I don’t know the right things to choose anymore I don’t know cause how can we be sure of anything we feel of anything being real and not just some kind of floating fantasy we took from our minds and made into time spent here that we made into time spent in our feet made into time We make these things into things things in our brains become things and we’re in control how i hate this control cause i don’t know the ways to go. So many ways to go
7.
Made of Ash 06:11
We didn't choose this life really We only chose to have a lifetime and choosing time is like choosing anything and nothing at the same time We don't get to decide if we'll sink or ride the waves But all this lives in my mind and I'm trying to live the right way And it doesn't get easier like I thought it would You're witnessing the strangest thing I could be and you understand the reason, really if you look in your mind and see all the ways you didn't become what you thought you'd become And I'm like a phoenix rising but still made of ash and it's uncomfortable at best You may think this is the dream where you choose to be you no matter who's listening but I can prove it still feels like sinking but maybe more like if sinking meets dancing or flying in the air when you just grew wings and all the things you thought you'd be are breaking free and you didn't see this coming and you should have seen it coming.

about

songs about trauma, or songs written during trauma feelings. during the 365 day challenge in 2017-18. improvised on a crappy $79 voice recorder, words and music and specific moments in time being important enough to surround with other parts...but the original recordings are like a trauma in themselves for me, because two years ago my friend offered to sell me her zoom h2 for $50 and i didn't take her up on it, and if i had all these songs would be high quality and far more listenable. tiny traumas, adding up is a basic feeling i've had most my life and i'm sorry if that's hard for you to hear and you're someone who loves me. it's just true. disappointment after disappointment, after being an A student who things came easily to. after writing and producing and performing an original musical by 21. after being written about in papers and having music in a movie and somewhere along the way losing all confidence in myself and my abilities, probably because i learned very painfully that most people won't like you if you're successful. and i've always wanted to be liked most of all.

i love you friends. i may start flying more soon, i know now what holds me back, i'm scared to lose you or lose your love. i hope you know i valued it so much that i spent a decade or more trying to stay small for you. but i want to fly now, and if that makes you hate me, or makes you jealous how 'easily' songs come to me, or how clear my path is, or how quickly i can play cover songs cuz of music theory and conservatory training, then i am truly sorry. i wish everyone could do all the things they wanted to do, and study/work hard, and not doubt themselves. this chapter has been very painful and i wouldn't wish self-doubt or self-hate or any form of loss-of-self on my worst enemy. it is a slow insideous subtle torture.

if you are one of the lost people, i beg you to start finding yourself. it only gets worse the older you get.

xo jessica

credits

released January 31, 2019

all songs recorded or made up or whatever by jessica fogle
in 2017-18, during the 365 day songwriting challenge.

midi keys and sounds added in january 2019 mostly.

love to the world. <3

p.s. i wish i had more time, there's more here i would do to fix some inconsistencies and levels and midi placements, but it's an album a month challenge and this is month 10 and it's january 31st and i'm out of time and have to go to work right now. bye

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Jessica in The Rainbow Michigan

~demos & lofi~
~existential dream folk~
~neoclassical lullaby pop~
~care bear stare~

jessicaintherainbow.com 💕✨🌼

* Studio albums @ jessicawolfbird.bandcamp.com *
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