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Birdsong (from Make​-​Believe)

by Jessica in The Rainbow

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Note written on 7/13/2020:

This quarantine / social distancing is changing me from the inside out. I've never had so much time to 'feel myself' - as I've spent a life adapting (terrifiedly) to other people, feeling out what they value and love and enjoy and think is cool and think is acceptable and think think think think think.

I do it with my students even, almost compulsively checking what will make others happy and feel alignment with their best life.

My own 'self' becomes a master adapter, and it's gotten me a feeling of well-liked (anywhere I didn't rock the boat too much) that I've only started to poke holes in...which you should only do really, if you're in the market for a new boat.

Soooo I bought a tiny kayak recently (lol, taking this metaphor too far), but really it's child's size, well teen size, and I'm at the weight limit but who's counting, it works just barely, for my arrested development and memories of being 19 and on a lake with family and waking at 6am to go out on a tiny orange kayak by myself and really feel the air and be in the world and that moment or series of moments stayed with me my whole life since...

So, here I am, much older, still trying to learn and let sink in, what sunk in, in those days and times...that I never held onto, because I was always too busy being for other people, being what I thought they wanted me to be, what no one asked me to be.

This is the last time I will tell this story.

I'm stating this now. I won't tell it again.

I've told this story too many times.

Almost made an album I LOVE and want to play around with, into a homework assignment of preservation and perfection, a joyless task, made of rules and shoulds to make imagined people happy about imaginary things...no wonder I've been avoiding it and doing other projects instead.

I will no longer tell this story.

I could just stop telling it, but one last time for good measure.

It's my childhood best friend's birthday, Heather (7/13), and I released this track with the Make-Believe pre-release, on my current and lifelong best friend's birthday (my sister Stephanie, 6/15)...and loved ones birthdays are meaningful to me, because they remind me in my frequent solitude, how much I deeply desperately need and love other people. How, in a very strange way, by giving up myself, I've built my life around them.

Trying a new approach. Holding fast to myself, changing for no one, being firm, but also, listening learning considering reflecting caring loving...I think I'll have fewer resentments this way. Already a lot more joy.

This note is here, one last time, for all my fellow chameleons and people-pleasers. We are everywhere. We are not alone. And we CAN change (by not changing anymore :)

xoxo Jessica

p.s. it sounded cute like that, but I meant "by not changing 'for others' anymore" - just in our own authentic personally aligned ways.

credits

released June 15, 2020
Song by Jessica Fogle
Mixing & sounds by Bryan Ralph & Jessica Fogle

Part of "Make-Believe (2020 Remix)"

Tho I may end up changing it a LOT for that release (scheduled for 8/10/2020), which is why I also put it here. To capture this moment in time, for my sister, with my boyfriend, a hopeful dutiful strange resistance and point of growth and lightttttttt.

<3

Also, this cover was made for a homemade YouTube video, made last month, released on 6/15/2020 for my sister... search Jessica in The Rainbow Birdsong.

Or, here's a link lol youtu.be/h1rVdDp8xnk

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Jessica in The Rainbow Michigan

~demos & lofi~
~existential dream folk~
~neoclassical lullaby pop~
~care bear stare~

jessicaintherainbow.com 💕✨🌼

* Studio albums @ jessicawolfbird.bandcamp.com * ... more

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