super outta tune song, but it was a spontaneous moment i want to preserve in digital amber...(for full YouTube video search "Anti-Therapy (for me) + other controversial thoughts Jessica in The Rainbow"...)... it includes the 20+ minutes of moments before writing this song...on a lovely January day, a 'songwriting adventure day' where i pack up my little cooler and prius with snacks, and drive to Holland and South Haven usually, but sometimes north too...and think and think and write and think and dream and drive and make YouTube videos and feel and I don't post everything I make on these drives, trying to learn more and more (especially in quarantine, when i'm feeling more and more and more, and thinking more and more and more...) that sharing everything, even if it's creative and / or songs, just isn't a sustainable model for me. it's made me the shariest sharer of all my friends and acquaintances, more than anyone i know, and I share and share and share and it's like the boy who cried wolf, i don't even love everything i share and people i want to listen stop listening because i've stopped curating...so i may (may may may) return to a more curated model soon, and layer parts and dream and grow big epic projects again, like albums that took 2-5 years to dream and make and do...
but for now, i'm coming out of this challenge phase, this phase where i got over my fear of sharing anything imperfect (and now share WILDLY...so apparantly i'm either highly invisible and curated OR highly expressive online and volatile in my sharing...and something in between would be nice, if i'm honest...haha oh well, we are what we are perhaps...)
xoxo jessica
p.s. seriously call your mother (if your mother is kind, or even kind of kind, you can learn her kind of kind)...and call your father (if your father's a friend or even kind of a friend in his own way)...or teach them how to be a friend, tell them what you need to be okay, and let them feel the way that makes them feel...it may not be great but ...okay that's all i remember from the lyrics lol (but that's what this song is about xo) <3
lyrics
lyrics:
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
All of this world inside of you will
Make you feel great
Make you feel small
Make you feel like you've done / haven't done
All you could do with your time
Make you feel like you could or should be
Rhyming more than you do
Whatever you do...
Maybe it's late
Maybe I'm bored
But this whole world feels like a chore to me
Maybe I know things I didn't know before
And maybe I closed all the right doors for me to close
And maybe I settled in to living life like a ghost
And now I can't see another way to be
And why be anything at all
When we're all going to the same place
To the same place a little later on in the game
I don't know if it's sane
to assume you could go at any time
So why not live like you could go at any time
Try to put forth who you really are
Like you will on your death bed
if you even get that far
'Cause even a death bed would be
kind of a kind way to end
And I know I may not get that time
to be a friend to myself
Later on in the game
Maybe from all the meds
or maybe from all the dementia I'll have to endure
when I'm older
If I'm lucky to get older
To get to feel and know things when I'm older
And not just lose all this time I could have used
This time I could use
This time I can use right now
To be who I want to be in the end
Instead of playing pretend
Playing pretend
where we all pretend that there is some ladder to the sky
when it's really a ladder to a piece of the pie
where we get to live a lie that says we're kings and queens
making money from time
but that money is just time that you wasted
believing the game
and getting the prizes
like money and fame
They're just prizes you eat
They're just prizes you wear
But they all will decay or be left down here
When you're gone and you're nothing except what your heart was
To all of the friends who wanted to hear you
To all of the friends who wanted to be near you
To all of the friends who were waiting to hear from you
So please call your mother
if your mother is kind
(or even kind of kind
(you can learn her kind of kind))
And please call your father
if your father's a friend
(or even sort of a friend
(in his own way))
Or teach them how to be your friend
Tell them how to be your friend
Tell them what you need to be okay
And let them feel the way that makes them feel
It might not be great
But let them learn what you need
Now that you're not a seed
You can grow here
You can grow here and bloom
The way you need to bloom
And I learned these things
From two people
They don't come from me
cause I've been frozen in time
I've been scared my whole life
but these people learned to thaw me out
And I'll love them for my whole life
cause they knew what I was about
Or if they didn't know that
Then they let me be what I was about
Until they saw what I was about
And I couldn't live without them
Well I could but I wouldn't be myself at all
And I'll love them to the grave
Their graves or mine
And I'll keep giving my time
To the people who took the time
To see me when I was frozen or small
And I'll keep trying to heal it all in myself
And then in them
And then in the people around them
Who can heal the people around them
Who can heal the people around them
We can heal the people around us
By listening and believing we don't know much at all
By letting them heal us
They can heal themselves
Maybe
I don't know
I'm just saying words
'Cause that's what I do
But i love all of you
All the people around
Who believed it was worth it
For me to heal
For me to stick around
...to stick around here
I'll try to stick around here
I hope you'll stick around here
You can get thru things you fear
You can get thru things you fear
Put your hand on your heart
And just let the world teach you
Who you are.
credits
released April 20, 2020
By Jessica Fogle
One of the many hundreds of unformed songs a year
I dunno
It's my therapy I guess (so I'm not anti-therapy, as the video states - just anti-blind trust, and anti-invisible-authority-structures)
xoxo JJ
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