We’ve updated our Terms of Use to reflect our new entity name and address. You can review the changes here.
We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.

Trigger Warning (EXPLICIT)

by Jessica in The Rainbow

supported by
James Champion
James Champion thumbnail
tananabread
tananabread thumbnail
brownfrancis
brownfrancis thumbnail
/
1.
Quitter 09:23
lyrics
buy track
It's not the way you thought it'd be by now It's not the way you thought it'd  it's not the place you thought you'd be by now by now cause you're right back where you started cause you're right  cause you're right back where you started and I can't help you out Where did you think you would get to with all these same tools you used when you were small  when you were small and busy showing yourself to the world around you and it never came true then what made you think it'd be real now there's so much you don't know here and i want to tell you all the ways you're so unclear but you keep seeing the maze as something fine and final fine and final  it's not fine to feel like you are going after all these prizes in your mind in your mind Even now you can't help but think about all the prizes in this world they're not for you can I spell it out any clearer You don't respond well to pressure You only respond when it is gone You do not respond well to pressure You only respond when it is gone Why not take it off yourself right now and quit the game and quit this place and quit the maze and quit this race and quit this trying chasing trying quit the game and quit this race it's not the thing you wanted anyway quit the game and quit this race you didn't want it anyway why did you think you'd want to be  known?
2.
Listen (a.k.a. forgive, don't forget) 08:18
lyrics
buy track
Take me out of this moment Let me find something here Take me into your  heart where things are a little clearer than they have been If I'm honest they've been clear enough Just don't like what I hear here Hear here Cause it doesn't make sense  to anyone but me or I think that's what I believe but I'm not ready to leave right or I would have left by now And you keep telling me this is a part of some great story I'm writing with time and I'm not ready to write the next line. I wish I knew the way to be good at  coming true Well it'd be a start to not lie with my heart so exposed like a weed you want to pull from the ground and I've found that I'm  ready to get out of your company cause you'll keep making me listen to your reasons and I can't take any more of your  reasoning with me I gotta breathe and I can't breathe here now I've gotta breathe but you've grabbed hold of me oh  who do you think you are who do you think you are who do you think you are grabbing people who do you think you are you think you're so damn... I don't have words for what you think you are I cannot stoop to that place where you give it a name it's not cool it's not whatever you think it is like face tattoos I don't know what you think this is You just grab hold of everyone you think will give you control Will hand over the ropes You just keep taking hold of anyone that will Give you the rope You think you're so great I know you just want to I know you just want to be saved So you're looking for help I know you just want to be saved while not changing a thing I know you just want to be saved while not doing any of the work Yea I know you just want to be saved with just staying the same but being saved or feeling all the good feelings of being saved while staying the same Making all your bad choices All the ways you hurt everyone around you like you don't care at all You don't care You just want to feel better You want me to feel better so you can feel better You want me to feel better so you can feel better Me to feel better so you can feel better about what you did and I can't give that to you I can't give you what you want from me You might have to stop seeking it I can't give you what you want from me You might just have to stop seeking it.
3.
Prey (EXPLICIT) 14:23
lyrics
buy track
It's the same thing It's the same thing Again and again with you Different name Different story that's really the  same story again and again and again Why do I put up with this  Sh*t from you Why do I wanna be the good guy? Why do I wanna be the good guy Everywhere I go Why do I wanna be the good guy Again and again and again Again and again and again You see me like some kind of meal you wanna eat but not in a sexual way You see me like prey You see me like a game you can play with your mind You're in love with your use of time In your mind Your way of reinventing every line I would know cause I do it too But you are a special breed of  You're a special breed of F*ing with other people Yea you This is about exactly you If you don't know who you are Just take a look in the mirror If you don't know who you are And what you've done What you've been  It's in your skin and I see it in mine Though mine is ounces and yours is pounds and yours is the world and it keeps compounding  like worlds compound and collide and you don't care you take it in stride with your with your attitude and that look on your face that says I'm better than you that says I'm messing with you I'm not a bully you just take me too literally What does that F*ing mean? What does that F*ing mean That doesn't mean anything You are a waste of space You are a waste of space I don't believe that but it felt good to say You're a waste of space All that use of a brain that makes people insane and loses decades of their lives It's not just me it's all these victims losing decades of their lives and wasting time with these wastes of space these people who want to waste your time They don't care They don't care that they're wasting your time Wasting your time Cause you aren't convenient anymore they'll just let you rot on the floor they'll throw your head on the floor they'll crouch down on the floor they'll yell in your ear some more they'll yell in your face some more You tell em I'm having a F*in panic attack right now and they're like hey shut up listen do what I say listen to me you're crazy just listen to me listen to what I need shut up with your panic attack I don't care shut up with your everything I don't care cause I'm the star here I'm the star It's all about me It's all about me I don't care I don't care what you need It's all about me It's all about me I don't care  I don't care what you need I don't care if I'm bothering you I don't care if I'm dumping my problems on you I don't care I don't care what you need I don't care what you need You can lay there and bleed I don't care I don't care But wait I need you Hey forgive me hey I need you You know what ? You don't need me You just want a clean conscience and you want my forgiveness What if I don't give it to you? What if I don't give it to you?  What if I don't give it to you?  What if I don't give you anything you think you need anything you think you need What if I don't give it to you?  What if I don't give it to you?  What would you do What would you do What would you F*in do? I dunno Would you threaten something? Something at me? Or more likely something at yourself  If I leave If I leave If I get away Go away Go away What will you do? What will you do? Oh my God tell me that you're suicidal one more F*in time** (see below) and then three years later tell me that well no I was just cutting I know you're in pain I don't want to minimize your pain But you sure as F*ck You sure as F*ck You sure as F*ck minimized mine Every night at 4am When I lay there asleep in our bed and you were like hey hey Hey HEY! Wake up  Wake up! Then you'd shove me and I was like OH no he doesn't hit me he's not physically abusive it's just like he's verbally well he's manipulative and yea it's not physical it's not physical abuse as he stood over me towering over me in that pink room towering over me til I fell on the floor I called my friends at two a.m. asked them to come over cause I was scared I had to learn how to not care about my own life I had to learn how to not care if I lived or died I had to learn how to not value my own life my own skin my own heart my own feelings I had to learn how to not value any of that to be the good guy to be the good guy Cause I got to be the good guy  in this story and it feels really good I got to be the good guy in this story and it feels really GREAT! It feels really great to be the one who's helping out To be the one who's seeing everything from their perspective and going to Al-anon and helping out It really feels good It honestly feels good I know I sound sarcastic right now but it really feels good it really feels good to be the good guy. The reason for my sarcasm is because I'm having a very hard time taking myself seriously stating out loud the things that I really lived by for nine years Did I really throw away 9 years for one idea? and it's a flawed idea cause no one likes the good guys Unless you're Robin Hood They do like Robin Hood but he was really really really really really really really really good I don't wanna be THAT good. I just wanna be comfortable good I wanna sit around being comfortable good I wanna write songs write plays write things write people write write write and be alone Make up songs and be alone That's a kinda good that's actually kind of selfish But I don't want to think about the kind of selfishness inside of that kind of good Cause then I don't feel very good I can't handle not feeling good So if I need to feel good then the way to feel good is to be around people who aren't good And if I'm around people who are 'good at heart' but really really really really terrible people helps me feel good at heart and less of a terrible person less selfish less all about me less all about me cause at least my 'all about me' wants to be nice and doesn't want to throw your head into the ground^ Doesn't want to beat you down Doesn't wanna beat you down I don't wanna beat you down I don't wanna beat you down I just wanna be alone I just wanna be alone I wanna get away from you Get away from you Get away from all the yous that wanna tell me who to be Get away from all of you All of you who tell me I should be  totally different than I am I wanna get away from you I wanna get away from you I wanna get far away from you And I've always wanted to get away from you Every time you hurried me up Every time you told me to be  something different Every time Every time Every time I couldn't be something different and you didn't care you were like hurry up with your chores hurry up with this or that I don't wanna list things it's not really something I'm mad about anymore I understand it's kinda just How things are But as I got older I learned that I was kind of weird and beaten down by friends who were not around and they told me I could just ya know I was a sweet girl but they didn't wanna be my friend anymore so ya know you just learn to be alone you just learn to be alone and then you find new friends and they betray you so then you just you're alone you just be alone you just learn to be alone learn to be alone It's not that hard It's not that bad You just learn to be alone But it hurts to be alone cause it, it's hard and  it's bad So maybe maybe that's where all this came from and then I woke up one day with the wrong person in the wrong house who didn't understand anything I'd planned who didn't understand what I needed to be me who just didn't care so I woke up in another house another house again and again and ya know at least they understood yea they didn't ya know.. they weren't good to me to themselves to anyone really but at least they understood that I needed my space I needed to be me I had to get away At least they understood that I just needed... (exhale) (expressive piano solo to end) (breathing, existing...) The end. <><><> **note: threatening suicide is serious and something I do not take lightly or want to make light of - this situation was a specific control/manipulation tactic, consciously or not it had a very strong effect, as it was announced only when I made plans to leave (and stated as "IF you leave, I will kill myself" - followed years later by, in a surprised voice when called out about it: "I never was serious about it, I was just cutting"...also valid, as a sentiment separate from controlling others, but in this case I had stayed FOR that reason, so the manipulation - again conscious or not - worked, and because I TRULY did and do care about this person's life, but eventually just not enough to stay in abuse anymore (despite their pain being deeply justified, from having been abused themselves, more brutally than anything they ever did to me)). If you or someone you love needs help or someone safe and neutral to talk to, without the through-line and accountability of a counselor (which was very hard for me during some of my hardest years), hotlines are LIFE-SAVERS. I used them for 2 years on and off. I am thriving now, despite how this song may sound (*I was triggered by a small incident recently, and all these big memories came flooding back). National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255 (also, eventually 988 will be the quick call number - like 911) <><><> ^note: this second annotation is because my conscience tells me to tell you, that this stream-of-consciousness song covers multiple subjects (obviously) and all 'throw your head into the ground' references are not to any long-term partner that I loved, they're about a genuine waste of space sociopath named Chas, who I was with very briefly in college (9 months?), but he probably gave me permanent brain damage and more emotional trauma in those short months than the rest of the abusers combined. This song is the closest I'll get to taking him to court. xo Jess

about

this EP means a lot to me and i wish it didn't. probably the closest i'll ever come to taking someone to court. abuse is abuse, get away from it as fast as possible. it never heals or corrects itself by engaging with it. love from afar. forgive from afar. don't approach insanity with logic or "compassion" (in quotes because compassion for yourself *should* be equally valid, but it isn't for abuse victims). i take comfort knowing i didn't invent this kind of pain, i'm not the first and not the last, and I hope you take comfort hearing my words. knowing you are not alone, there's nothing wrong with you for having been a nice sweet bright shining star who had their compassion --or their vulnerabilities and traumas - turned against you until your mind was in tangles and you couldn't find your way out. narcissists and empaths attract each other, because shreds of both are in both. hold the light, there's a way out. call a hotline or find a counselor (for most people in crisis, a hotline is MUCH easier, as a place to start). please read my notes and annotations in the lyric liner notes for Prey (EXPLICIT). at the bottom. very important, as I say some things i considered editing (and tried to) along with the swears...ultimately the song didn't make sense without telling a little of my ex's story, but i explained with as much heart as I could at the bottom. as he was a victim too. xo-jess

credits

released January 2, 2020

songs written by jessica fogle
in succession, in one burst, on Dec 3rd or 4th or something, 2019,
because of an unrelated but very related incident that happened in August (it was minor, compared to these lyrics, but still pretty awful considering all I've lived thru, and unexpected), that flooded me with feeling...mixed with covering Fiona Apple's When the Pawn with a pop-up band for charity, 6-8 weeks of rehearsal, and getting so into character that anger felt safer than repression (temporarily)...I actually don't believe that, but in this moment I did.

I hope it helps you, not sure it helped me, but it's out now and I can't put it back in. Something in me wants this in the world...only if I immediately follow it by cute cover songs tho, I guess. Good luck everyone, the world is terrible, cling to people who love you, focus on those who appreciate you, there are gutters in your mind that will fixate on those weirdnesses like how much you love someone (a musician) who doesn't love you back (or maybe they just don't click like to anything on social media?)(no that's not it, it's you lol)...(but why care about that? let it gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo) Take my advice that I won't take...let things go, find the F*in positives, as in - what are you grateful for? what could be worse? what do you love? what went well today? create new grooves in your brain, reteach yourself...it's not being dishonest, it's surviving. people will imply you should rip off every bandaid, over and over, especially therapists...the best ones will do it carefully and put it back in time for you to get thru a whole week between visits...the bad ones will leave you stirred up and alone...I had too many "bad ones" (irresponsible ones, thoughtless, not wise enough to do that, well, soooo trust yourself if someone doesn't feel right, call hotlines instead or anyone you trust who can handle it...) (most people couldn't handle my trauma, and that's okay...it's too much for the world, I don't fault anyone, I hide out in a bubble now too...there's only so much we can take without breaking...this is the best I can do to pay back what was given to me...I'll keep sharing in songs, I hope it's helpful to you...or actually, with this EP, I deeply hope you don't relate to this at all and just enjoy the cool rhythms...I wish no one I know ever relates to this).

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255
Chicago Rape Crisis Hotline 888-293-2080

<3

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Jessica in The Rainbow image

Jessica in The Rainbow Michigan

~demos & lofi~
~existential dream folk~
~neoclassical lullaby pop~
~care bear stare~

jessicaintherainbow.com 💕✨🌼

* Studio albums @ jessicawolfbird.bandcamp.com * ... more

contact / help

Contact Jessica in The Rainbow

Streaming and
Download help

Redeem code

Report this album or account

If you like Jessica in The Rainbow, you may also like:

Bandcamp Daily  your guide to the world of Bandcamp

On Bandcamp Radio

Fabiana Palladino stops by to talk about her mesmeric debut LP.
listen now