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December, 2015

by Jessica in The Rainbow

/
1.
The pain of being here The pain of being too clear on what we want and dream about it sets your mind and heart apart from now from this from light from now from this this moment of light from what you have to lose from what you have to gain when you’re fighting fighting for one more day fighting for a lifetime of mostly grey and white mostly grey almost white save the blackness for some other night cause it doesn’t feel right right now no it doesn’t feel right right now
2.
1.2 Waves 05:19
The messes we make that we try to clean The accidental ways we fall into the cracks of darkness in our minds and hearts and souls made of light beyond lifetimes And how many times how many times And how many ways can we lose in the same way? And picturing all the ways sandcastles are built in sand and then they’re removed by waves with one sweep of that sweet wavey hand and then just the very next day very next day all those kids they come out again and again and again and we are like children we are like children we don’t mind the waves it’s like we’re just children and we know we’re playing a game
3.
If I spend my life composing all these words and all these notes And if I spend my life composing all the words inside my throat And if I spend my life composing every note born from the note that’s come before And when in death I’m decomposing in the ground My soul is light And up above I hear a sound and it sounds right to me Will I know that once so long ago I made those notes, I sang those words Or will I be just some part of the light The light we all share In our eyes In our brains In our smiles And we don’t know why we share all this in common If we have to live so separate down here like we aren’t all the same in what we fear and what we know is true When I say I love you I love all of you If I spend my life creating all these things out of my mind Like little thoughts I give wings to I can create anything A self-fulfilling prophecy It all comes too easily So I choose my thoughts so carefully so I don’t get lost Cause if I’m a creator And you’re a creator too And we’re all just creating like we always almost wanted to And time it is moving like liquid like sand And we are holding hands with some great light we can’t understand And I don’t wanna go before I understand But who am I to understand? Who am I to understand?
4.
1.4 Pain 03:36
Why is pain the glue that helps us understand things that may not be true things out of our hands Why is pain the glue that helps us understand each other? Why is pain the cause of empathy in people Why is pain the same cause of insanity? And I don’t understand I do not understand Why the pain in me creates so many beautiful things And the pain in you it’s made me rise above my own pain so many times The pain in me The pain in you and me The pain in you and me
5.
Something in me isn’t moving I don’t know where it wants to go It’s born of light just like my father like my mother like the snow It’s liquid light It’s liquid being I cannot control why it’s here inside my arms my fingers and my toes
6.
7.
Over and over I hear you whisper Songs that don’t linger anyway Over and over I am a stranger and you are the one true thing that’s not going away And in my memory I have been different And in my memory I am the same Memory is liquid Feels like it’s breathing and leaving me alone with this choice to make And if you are sacred And if you are white light And if there is darkness surrounding me at night And if you’ll still hold me despite all I’ve hated Then maybe we’re fated for some kind of ending I want to believe in (I can’t be sure make me be sure)
8.
Intentional people doing intentional things it feels like singing along with the melody to me and I am like wind I am like liquid it can’t be contained to such exact specifications But you don’t want to like I don’t want to be so wound tightly anyway No you don’t want to like I don’t want to But there you go there you go again There you go There you go again You have all these specifications like how to breathe under all the weight of all these things that give you wisdom but if its wisdom then why are you so afraid? and if it’s wisdom then why not use a lighter hand yes if it’s wisdom then why don’t you lose the reigns and if it’s wisdom then why are you so afraid? So afraid of what might happen if you let go You might lose control Why do you love control? It makes things pretty but it also makes them kind of boring.
9.
Here in this place that I choose to settle down with you or with myself it doesn’t matter this time cause here in this space that I breathe I am certain of me and you’re nice and you’re kind But there won’t be some kind of overriding fiction in my brain that tells me to stay here if you treat me like a slave or you treat me in a way that feels like it isn’t right not just for a day but for a life Cause I am learning the difference I hope you can see that in my smile I hope you can believe that when I say it’s different now that I’m not filling your head with lies It’s no surprise that my life is so different now It’s no surprise that my life must be different It’s no surprise that you make me different Cause the people we’re around make us different All these people who have found me made me different All the ways that you find me make me different And all the ways I’m alone make me different And all the people who have shaped me made me different Not just in the one way, they made me different Different to myself, different to who I was born to be Maybe I was born to be like this and I was on a crazy tangent All that insanity that they gave me with their unconventional wisdom With their horrific and ungodly wisdom And I learned We all learn We all learn I’m so afraid to stop learning the things that make me feel like I’m alive Don’t wanna throw a dart at a map at one point of light When there’s everywhere When there’s light in your hair When there’s light in my eyes When there’s light over there When there’s light in a surprise When there’s tears in the smiles When there’s smiles in the tears Year after year after year after year I wanna be different Different from who I’ve been
10.
3.1 Embrace 10:40
Is it the rain? Is it the wind? In her hair In her face On her skin Is it the lightning? Is it the ways we embrace the dark? When it’s frightening is it the way we make our way when we can’t see any more than three feet in front of our bare feet in front of our nose and we’re burning up our toes and we’re capsized like some little boat who just wanted to sit and float to sit still (we can sit) the absence of her the absence of you the wind on my back the storm coming true
11.
All of these notes All of these colors are here They’re possible to hear to choose like the rest of them But I lose faith every time I deviate from the path that unfolds around my head without my wishful thinking and I have been comfortable til now and I have been comfortable all these years without and I have been comfortable most of the time but I wonder if I am missing the point of rhyming things There is doubt in my every little step Each choice is filled with the strangest form of regret It finds the light inside each missed moment I could have chosen yet I know that I will get a lot of chances to choose things cause each time I say yes I’ve said a thousand nos and each time I point my finger at a thing I want another thing goes away from view and I can’t be happy choosing so I’ll choose for you if you will choose for me (Make up your mind Make up your mind…)
12.
13.
I read in a book one day that intentions are everything I read in a book one year that everything we fear is already coming true is already here no point in running already true so what can you do with that? what can I do with that? I read in a book one life that numbers and words are like signposts from heaven I read in the news one day that we all are just wanting to save for ourselves saving the best of ourselves for later If time were real then why would I save things If time were real then why would I save things If time were real then why should I save things If time is real If time is now then now is now and now is now and now is now and now is now is now And now now now now right right now is right now is right now is right now If time is my friend to save me from blinking and missing the whole thing if time is my friend and I’m supposed to say something really important here if time is my friend then I don’t have to say a goddamned thing if time is my friend then letting go letting go again then letting go would be my friend til I am lost inside of you.

about

Songs written in December, 2015. Hence the title. Been with me a long time, finally ready to let go and move on. If they won't leave me, I'll record better versions someday...but this album was improvised in 3 days (Dec 6,12,18th, 2015) and I think it's time to let it move on. I have so many more projects I want to do (cloudlight, JiTR polished albums).

Also, I wasn't going to include it in this 12 albums in 12 months nonsense, but my friends were struggling to meet some deadlines, and since it was for an album called Friend Ship (vol 47) it seemed the friendly thing to do...to dig up and release this old album (that I was trying to finish for December's monthly album, but at the time it wasn't good enough to release to me...but now with the motivation of helping some friends, and finally letting this go and accepting that putting hundreds of hours into lo-fi music won't help my voice be heard, I'm ready to move onto some hard work again...some chance for failure, some fear and risk, some reward potential but if I know my streak of luck, unless I'm suddenly 5th grade cute again w my pop hits, or supermodel hot, I'm not gonna break it big w these trauma songs...mostly I just want them to be easier on your ears, and lo-fi loses it's charm a little after 12+ albums and 365+ youtube vid songs of it, even to me...)

Love to the world, love to my friends, love to my family, love to friends who become like family...it's the best kind. xoxo <3

p.s. can u tell i had both Snow Angel and cloudlight practice today? (plus two dear friend bday parties last night, and a 5 yr anniversary date w my sweet bf the day before) love to all of you.

credits

released February 28, 2019

Recorded when I lived alone (2015), at 19 N. Ferry St (#3 I think), Grand Haven MI 49417.
Mixed and added space sounds/synth down the street (2018), In the clouds.

Month 11 of 12, of the 12 albums in 12 months challenge (made up, for no real reason other than political sanity - same w the 365 songs in 365 days a year before, announced on Inauguration Day in 2017, started 2/12/2017, as a way to be hyper-transparent and not lose my mind while we live in 1984...)

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Jessica in The Rainbow Michigan

~demos & lofi~
~existential dream folk~
~neoclassical lullaby pop~
~care bear stare~

jessicaintherainbow.com 💕✨🌼

* Studio albums @ jessicawolfbird.bandcamp.com *
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